An effort at least.

So since something in cyberspace gobbled up my long rant-ish comment to Randy’s “Cement jungle” blog post last night (or maybe I was severely distracted and never posted it…that could very well be) anyway I ranted and it felt good. I love reading about people being disgusted by what is going on around us. People who recognize we are all slaves to corporations, that we are being manipulated and lied to –people who just know in their heart of hearts that that isn’t was life is about and happiness is so much more simple and far less materialistic refresh me and remind me that I’m not alone in my revulsion for society and ambition to someday immerse myself in a culture (either find one or create one) of like-minded people who shun such a society which consumption has to be artificially stimulated (people and products manipulated, brainwashed etc) in order to keep production going [growing], a society where it’s values lead us to pursue false solutions that only end up making problems worse, a society that is so preoccupied with money-oriented growth that it diminishes security and distorts the wholesome enjoyment and even the very meaning of life!
Now, I’m not claiming to know what the meaning of life is. I’m just saying that I don’t think that this is it. We went wrong somewhere. And now it’s seemingly hopeless (and more and more so as time goes by) It’s depressing. I am claiming, however, that our potential as humans has got to extend far beyond all of this –constant strive to grow bigger get richer, produce more and find more ways to manipulate the masses. The answer (to me at least) seems incredibly straightforward when you put it this context: dismantle a bit and focus not on expansion but instead on just living, simply living on the Earth. Weird, huh?

I have more to say, much much more... but I’m strapped for time, distracted, too happy to be pissed off about it, not in the mindet to vent... and gotta run if I’m gunna make it to the gym, work out, and shower before trying to bus to work by 5:30(the gym is in a bad area for bussers : ().
Ah I can’t wait to playlivelovegardenprosper our community that shuns superficial happiness. Life is SO great you guys…---hey we didnt get hit by an asteroid.... yeah an ASTEROID!

Wish me luck on winning the lotto!!I got two tickets the other night- I’m up on my luck, in high spirits, in love and I’m oh so prosperous!

peace

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"The best is yet to come"

So I blew up this morning. Completely LOST it on mom. Fault being a: pms and b: a psychological, mind block. c: having no capacity to submit after I’ve lost the battle and d: the leaning tower of dishes in the sink. Just give up and shut up (even though I know she’s wrong and I’m right…mom’s just better at arguing than I am) –I always get so pissed off that I can’t hold up a good argument, I’m just too busy taking everything personally and getting defensive. Then later when I’m cooling off by myself with my face shoved in my tear-soaked pillow I think of understandable intelligible things that I could have said to maybe prove my point a little more maturely and productively. But today I cracked and instead of thinking of things I coulda shoulda woulda’s I just came undone (in as good of a way as possible). After mom said what she had to say and I was too upset to yell back so I threw a banana on the ground and went to Jades room (I don’t like to call it my bedroom). My eyes and lips swollen from blubbering, I cried into my pillow a little while longer, dragging it out by thinking of a bunch of other non-related sad things --since I already started I might as well get a good full cry session in. (therapeutic)

Long story short, I did the dishes! After they’ve been sitting and multiplying by the day in the sink…my frustration and anger every time I look at them and think about how much it bothers me and a light rage severe anger consumes me and the LAST thing I would think of doing is cave in and wave a white flag, especially if she pulls the “I do dishes 8 out of 10 times”. It’s here that I automatically question MY sanity; do I hallucinate cleaning the kitchen every other day? Am I blocking out ever having seen her rinse a dish and put it in the dishwasher? And then I had an epiphany. I can just take solace in knowing, and believing that I’m right. And there’s no sense in trying to fight an impossible war, screaming at the deaf. So instead of stomping off throwing a banana after arguing… deciding to get over-the-top pissed. I will just bow down smile and wave the flag. I came out of my room, smoked a bowl on the porch with the cat, plugged my ipod into moms new sound system she bought yesterday at Radio Shack (along with a new camera to replace mine that broke after New Years…) I blasted Sublime, put some water on the stove to boil and got going… took SO long and I cried and winced the whole time. I poured the boiling water into my tea-steeper and opened the cupboard for a coffee mug. There was only one clean cup and it was shoved in the corner of the top shelf. I pulled it down and put it on the counter and when I was pouring my tea I read the cup and laughed out loud.



Every little thing is gunna be alright. Today surprised me, in a good way.
I understand that this might not make much sense, but that's okay I feel good. Point-of-post being, I grew up a little today and shed some old skin. so that's that.

...breathe out.

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I'm twenty one

(fyi: i started this post on friday and couldnt finish..so ...it might be confusing.. I don't know...)I’m finally 21! I apologize in advance for the lack-luster of this post. I’ll do my best to put forward all the energy I can possibly muster (yes, I do have a proper hangover). So here it is:
Bekah came over Wednesday after breaking up with the guy she’s been seeing. (I know it’s hard babe, but you did the right thing!) So that was cool, and she proposed that we go to the Admiral Theatre to see Twilight (again). Of course I was super stoked and we wandered up the road and got WAY too much popcorn and soda, we both had to pee so badly during the movie, and I have a junk food tummy ache. After the giggling and gasping like the geeks that we are through the whole movie, it was 11pm by the time we got out, one hour before I’m legal. So I went next door to the 7-11 and bought a bottle of wine, and got carded…had a phantom tingle of anxiety and excitement as I showed him my ID! With an hour left of being 20 I purchased alcohol! Hehe. I ran into three of the girls that I used to work with at Luna Park Café in the parking lot, they were in a car and when she rolled down the window I saw she was rolling a b and when I asked what they were up to she said, “smoking a blunt and going through the car wash.” I found that so amusing for some reason. That’s SUCH a great, innovative idea! Haha

So when we got home with our cheap (but legally bought) bottle o’ wine mom, Bekah and I had a toast. Bekah and I snuggled into bed and we tried to keep our eyes open long enough to watch “In to the Wild” but I couldn’t stay awake. I missed my English class in the morning because I was too tired (I missed it again today too. naturally) but we made it on the Southcenter bus just barely! That was nice to have Bekah there for the official “Happy birthday” I love you girl! OOOOH she drew me the most amazing picture ever, it’s a pic of me in a bikini top and I look damn good! Heh.

Well school was fairly painless. When I was bussing home after trying to write a paper for 2 hours I got off early so I could go to the post office and drop off something special for someone special, there was a VERY pissed off man in there trying to mail A TON of shit and he was yelling at the Asian woman behind the counter trying to understand the postal service system, and failing to miserably. There was also a very perturbed woman yelling at someone frantically in the back of the post office too. So finally I got up to the counter mailed me package and ran out the door just to see my bus drive past me. So I walked front eh Alaska Junction all the way to my house carrying all my bags and books and wah wah wah. So I got all cleaned up and ready for work, watched a little Bill Hicks And then off I went. It was SUPER busy in there, but a good shift all together. At about 7:45 Dave (one of the owners) Sounded an alarm that scared the buhjesus out of me and probably everyone else in the bar. The first thing I thought was that this is an air raid drill and I had no idea we even had an alarm system in this place! Then I look over and Dave’s holding a megaphone to his mouth and says, “I’d like everyone to say happy birthday to Sydney, she’s finally 21!” and Mikey poured everyone on shift a shot of Jim Beam (Quinn helped me decide what drink to choose by telling me that “if I wanna be a ‘bad bitch’ to choose JB”) so I did, and it was SO COOL , it was a cheers of about 10-12 people all saying happy birthday to me! Like I said, I love my job. So mom came and met me when she was on her way home from work and I got to clock out and go sit at the bar for a legal drink. My first one was a DIRTY vodka martini, and it was delicious! Next I paced myself with a cup of water cause mom had hardly drank any of her margarita (because she was talking to a man who was hitting on her :( as usual when she comes in to the bar) ANY way finally after sitting alone for a while Mikey just took it upon himself to start shellin’ out the drinkys for me (possibly cause he sensed my boredom?) so I had an “Otterpop” which is a bunch of different fruity vodkas and some orange juice. Then I had the next drink that I have been drooling over since I started working there.. a bloody mary!! Mikey made me THE BEST bloody marry I have EVER HAD! Those will be habit forming I know it! Anyways I finally got tired of sitting there while mom flirted with this dude, so I called my man and talked about my exciting day. Then my friend Rose (who also works at W5) and her husband came in and sat next to me. So I got to have my first bar conversation! We talked about ‘lifeboat ethics’ and ska and reggae and ska music and this and that. I was trying my hardest not to turn my head too far see what was going n with mom and dude. I was doing ok until Mikey was like, “no making out at the bar!” grreeeaat mom.


Anyways let’s not talk about that any more. So it’s Saturday now. I am finishing a post that I started at school yesterday, but I had to go to math and when I came back to finish the internet was down so now I’m at the library. I woke up after sleeping WAY in finally. (It was a tiring week) I ignored the dishes mom has been piling up (grr) and grabbed my stuff and wet to the gym. It was nice and relaxing. So I have about two hrs to kill before heading to work…and I really want to write more but this key board really sucks and I have to re-type letters and that is annoying. Hope every one is happy and has a GREAT weekend! Much love.

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Happy Weekend, and mental health day Monday!

Howdy bloggers! Well I survived my first week working 4 nights a week at the bar, waking up for school (almost everyday) turning in all my assignments (mostly) and made it to the gym 3 days! Working weekends is quite a alternate universe than working weekdays, so much more work…but that just makes time fly by. I love my job; I am so lucky to have landed this! It’s perfect for being a full-time student and SO easy to bus to and from. Not to mention the awesome people I work with and how I have so much fun and sometimes forget that I’m even getting paid to socialize and pour water for people and clean glasses and clear tables and…okay well it doesn’t SEEM like work. Haha. Saturday after work somehow my texts just stopped working.. I could send them but it wasn’t until late last night that I had a flood of text messages from through the weekend including important ones from Bekah concerning our plans… But we learned out lesson didn’t we B? So unfortunately Bekah couldn’t make it to Olympia with me on Sunday… It’s SO hard to bus to oly on Sunday io found out the hard way when I was stranded at the 512 park and ride with no sign of an Olympia bound bus for 2 + hours. Luckily I have amazing friends and they drove all the way up to pick me up. I even got to chat with Kale for a little while before he left Anchorage so really, the wait was very pleasant. Suzye even had a hot (scalding) thermos full of tea waiting for me when they got there! (which I poured down my chin/cleavage/torso) OUCH! What a Sydney move though, are you surprised? Didn’t think so…lol.

Well, when we got back to their house I opened Awesomely wrapped gifts from Randy and Suzye!! Randy wrote me a birthday poem and it was decorated with amusing vice clippings. First I opened the gift wrapped with naked-people-jumping-on-trampolines. It was a book of post-cards with art by Franco Accornero called “Unbridled Passion”. Can’t WAIT to use those. Next I opened Randy’s cute little box Garnished with some pungent greenery. Inside
was the coolest necklace I’ve ever seen! I honestly swear that I saw it, or something similar, once upon a time in a magazine and yearned for it deeply. Thank you! I got SO MANY compliments on it tonight at work! And Suzye also gifted me a jar of her AMAZING blackberry Jam!! SO FLIPPING FRIGGIN GOOD GIRL! Thank you both SO MUCH for being SO AMAZING!! They also dished me up the dankest homemade cheesecake with a candle, they sang, I closed my eyes and made a wish then blew it out! So my wish is going to come true (In June)!

Nick got there and we all ventured off to get some grub at a cool little place downtown, then went to a bunch of cute little shops (having lived in oly for 4 months I hadn’t ever gone downtown besides for the street fair thing) we came home and picked up Jeremy and Chris and we had some sake-bombs and left to go bowling. After waiting for about an hour we finally got one lane to share between 6 people…gutter ball city!!! After one game Suzye and I gave up and let the boys play another game while we went and gossiped in the car. Needless to say I didn’t make my last Tacoma-bound bus and had to stay the night. We watched freaks n geeks and veg’d out on jelly beans and pasta & passed out. In the morning Su made me oatmeal and we watched freaks and geeks some more till randy got home and we watched TPB. Nick was heading up to Gig Harbor so I hitched a ride with him to Tacoma where my bro picked me up. We went to his house and played Guitar HeroII till my arms and fingers where numb then we brought my tired ass home. He gave me my OLD box of photos that I haven’t seen in a WHILE! I love looking at old pics. I’ show you some good ones. One is Suzye and I 4 or 5 years ago when we had a Valentines Day get together at her house. One is Suzye and Randy outside of neighborhood market when Suzye and I lived in the 6th and Anderson house she’d go visit him on smoke breaks. Cuties. Then there’s one of me with my long hair shortly after my mom combed my first generation of dreads out….



Okay, well there it is! In as much detail as I can muster for now. I have a bunch of house chores to do and then I’m heading to bed. I got let out of work early today because it was DEAD! On Thursday (my actual b-day) I get to stick around after I get off work and have a drink AT THE BAR! How cool is that? I am a little disappointed though… I always thought that my 21st would be SO INSANE. But I’m not doing anything at all, working and having one, maybe two, drinks and then going home and sleeping to wake up for school on Friday. Then I work Friday and Saturday, and then hopefully can arrange something for Saturday night!? Ashley said she wants to buy me a drink so it looks like it’s her n’ me ringing in the big official “@-the-bar 2-1!!” That’ll be cool. Su and Randy you guy should come if you want!!?

Do I look twenty one!?
Okay I’m out!
Much love!

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Take a deep breath.

Yesterday’s mucky muck was revamped tenfold just in the nick of time. Just as I was about to lose all hope for reviving of any sort of tolerable mood before going to work Kale saved the day! It’s so refreshing to know I have such amazing people in my life who build me up when everything else seems to be breaking me down. Suzye even called me after work and I got to vent to her and Randy about the callous task of shaking off sticky situations and cleaning up infuriating messes. She in turn got to vent about her latest stalker incident, (so not right girl, I’m so sorry –start leaving the house in a different disguise every day!) Our venting turned into amplified excitement and sheer joy for life, love and our Sunday reunions. We revelated the idea that red wine is the ultimate study buddy (and you know you haven’t had enough until your mouth is engulfed in various shades of purple!)
The bar was so busy last night! It reminded me of my first day working when the West Seattle Street Fair was in full swing on a Saturday and there was no less than a 10 party long wait list for five hours straight! I was continuously thanking my lucky stars for the last minute intervention/pep- talk from Mr. Perfect because the shift would have been hell for all parties involved, I dare not even imagine! Instead of emanating a bitter attitude I had the happy love buzz mind-set that didn’t even break its stride when a pint glass shattered in my hand in the ‘coldie fridge’. Best believe I had a smile on my face as Nacario (one of the line cooks) helped put bandages on my bloody fingers!

I tried to peal my eyes apart long enough to poop out an acceptable paper that was due at 8am this morning. Most of it I wrote at school yesterday and was pretty satisfied with the shape it was taking. I was so exhausted, starving and had no red wine to help me take on the fiasco with an open mind (or open eyes). I will fix it and draft it over the next few days so I can be ready to trade in when my instructor returns it to me with red question marks and exclamation points all over it and little notes in the margin saying, “it’s obvious you pulled this conclusion out of your ass, it makes no sense, where did the unicorns come from?!” haha. Oh well. One thing I didn’t get done is my rewrite of my thesis… but that is an assignment I refuse to pull out of my ass. So ill finish that before work beckons today and E-mail it to him with an explanation along the lines of “silly me I forgot this on my printer before I left for school this morning, here it is have a great weekend!”
So tomorrow morning I’m helping my brother out driving his car back to his place from the shop. We have to do it early so I can be back in West Seattle by 1:45pm to work at Camilles for her while she goes to work at the mission, and then Mom has to come take over for me for the last hour because Camille’s closes at 5 and I have to be to work (a block away) at 4.

I’m excited to be working weekends because I get to see even more crazy people out on the town on their weekends getting wasted and partying. People say the damndest things, I’m going to start quoting people and writing Memoirs of a Hostess at West 5. I can see myself coming to superlative insight on social/psychological behaviors, and having epiphanic revelations to inspire writings and ideas that will make me famous.



Well in other(bizarre) news:
I was reading the morning news and stopped on this headline: Prison inmate attempts to amputate his penis…..eek!
TTFN

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Yuck

I feel sorry for anybody who comes in contact with me today, for I am NOT radiating anything good or positive. Maybe in the slightest but I have a foul attitude emanating from me and no matter what I do I can’t crawl out of this ditch that is my state of mind today.

After getting (barely) two hours of sleep, I missed my bus –missed my first class. Not only do I have my Finalized thesis due tomorrow for my final winter quarter assignment for ENG102 I also Have a five page Argument analysis due on Garrett Hardin’s “Lifeboat Ethics” essay. When I had my student-Teacher meeting about the thesis and outline I decided on a couple of weeks ago, he proved my topic and idea’s to be far too vague to be able to argue in a persuasive proposal paper {on an innovative idea to help the economic crisis}. He redirected my focus from a broad jab at answering bits of each economic hitch going on to one simple one “Recycling incentive”. I now have to throw away my 70+ hr research and writing on the old outline and thesis development and switch to an entirely new perspective; meaning 70+ hrs of research jammed into about an hour or so to be able to turn in tomorrow. I have to work at 5 today, and possibly not sleep a wink tonight writing my paper(s) –following my rally, I’ll be working Friday at 4 and then Saturday from 2 to 4 at Camille’s and then from 4 to midnight at the bar. Sunday I’m going to strip naked and run to the shore of Alki Beach and offer my mortal soul to the gods and elements. (or just jump off the pier and paddle back to shore, body-numb)

madness:
Why I could have just NOT answered the call is beyond me. That’s what happens when a call wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I answer it without even opening my eyes, and saying hello. Why he feels the need to call me in the middle of the night to belittle me, trying his damnedest to get any variety of attention is beyond me. And the fact that I’m PMSing, this is the third time he’s called me this WEEK in the middle of the night for bullshit reason, and the detached humor he uses attempting to make me feel wretched doesn’t help me shrug off his nuisance and stupidity. I don’t feel sorry, instead get so pissed I blow a fuse, come completely undone and wreak havoc. At one thirty in the damn morning I’m sitting up in bed screaming into my cell phone at the top of my lungs. I guess I shouldn’t have tip-toed around hurting him too much. I should have just laid it out for him in the beginning.
I guess this IS entirely my fault. But the fact that he is thoughtless enough to think that calling me repeatedly to tell me I did something wrong and that I’m a horrible person and, “what did I ever do to you?” and switching-- (faster than my disorderly, sleepy intellect can follow, having been woke to a battle that crept up and exploded right in my face, I had no time to prepare, I had no ammo nor armor) --from a sad, injured victim –to a horrendous bully trying to break my stride, holding everything he possible can think of over my head.
NOTE: I’m a warrior and if you know me you know I won’t stand for being affronted in any form especially from this person, this long down the line. There are only so many ways you can relay one simple message. You can make it hard, or you can make it really easy. It has been long and drawn out in so many directions that I can’t take it anymore. I anticipated it all to be much less grotesque of an ordeal.

I digress...

When I take two steps back and look at it in its entirety, I AM just severely defensive of myself, of my decision and choice especially when it comes to a life that is my own and a heart that has a mind of ITS own. There are no easy answers for questions of a wrecked accord (let alone a broken heart). I AM sorry it wasn’t all you hoped it would be; I’m sorry you’re hurting and feel that taking jabs at me will help you feel better. As bad as a broken heart feels, being the one to break it isn’t exactly a bed of roses. Distressing me with the despair and misery you feel with these confused, fucked up techniques have only driven me further away deterring me from wanting anything close to a friendship.

I am only human.

My head feels like its being crushed in a vice-grip. I thought getting this out would make me feel better, at least a little bit. But alas… words fail me in my plight to put some method to madness.

Shake it off girl.

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Sasquatch 09' Line-up

On sale Saturday February 28 at 10AM

Music line-up includes Jane's Addiction (feat. all four original members), Kings of Leon, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Harper & Relentless7, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Erykah Badu, The Decemberists, Fleet Foxes, TV On The Radio, Animal Collective, Silversun Pickups, Bon Iver, Santigold, Of Montreal, Explosions In The Sky, Devotchka, Peter Bjorn & John, Gogol Bordello, M. Ward, The Avett Brothers, Doves, Calexico, Grizzly Bear, M83, Girl Talk, The Gaslight Anthem, The Walkmen, Chromeo (dj set), Deadmau5, Mugison, Sun Kil Moon, Airborne Toxic Event, Blitzen Trapper, Shearwater, BLK JKS, The Wrens, Tobacco, Monotonix, King Khan & The Shrines, St. Vincent, Passion Pit, John Vanderslice, Bishop Allen, Blind Pilot, AA Bondy, Black Moth Super Rainbow, The Knux, Ra Ra Riot, The Dodos, Beach House, Arthur & Yu, The Submarines, Owl City, Viva Voce, James Pants, Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band, The Builders & The Butchers, The Dutchess & The Duke, Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, Dent May & His Magnificent Ukelele, Fences, School of Seven Bells, Death Vessel, Horse Feathers, Hockey, Point Juncture, WA, The Pica Beats, Loch Lomond, Vince Mira & more to come.


Comedy line up includes Zach Galifiankas, Demetri Martin, Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job, Todd Barry, Jon Benjamin, God's Pottery, People's Republic of Komedy & more.

Ummmm Hello, Explosions in the Sky, Peter Bjorn & John, Gogol Bordello!!!Erykah Badu, Fleet Foxes! Santigold,Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Demetri Martin.. Am I going to have to go to Sasquatch?? Oh please no.

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