Can't breathe

I have so much to say.




I just don't think I know how.





I have always expected you to be here.
I have always pictured you there,


when I get married,
To know my children,
To talk me through things[like this].
like you have been
you always know what to say
....how to make me feel so much better.



I have always wanted to be just like you.
so positive, such a warm, bright person.

being able to see the good in jsut about everything

you are the best person i have ever known



I need you here with me in this life...I never want to say goodbye


2 months is not enough..

please
please
please .....






stay.

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So! One more week of school! Next week I will be doing one (take home) Logic final, one Environmental Science final and 2 math finals (one for each module I passed this quarter) I was supposed to have 6 modules passed by this time but at the beginning of the quarter I was stuck in review for 2 weeks and didn’t get any new things covered, then the next week I had my mind on other things but school (the final weeks till’ my boyfriend finally came home from Alaska) and then my attention was diverted once again when he left again. BUT my attendance is worth one test grade so I’ll be walking away from Modular MathLab this quarter with no lower than a 2.5 (which I can live with). My logic Exam is already in my possession and I will be studying the new chapters and working through that this weekend. I also acquired my study guide for ENV so I can study for that too. My teachers going to a wedding and we don’t have class tomorrow or Monday. So that gives me some extra time to finish the energy project that I haven’t even looked at. Sigh~ I am so happy that this time next week I will be taking the last of my tests and I’ll be completely packed for Hawaii! Also next weekend Suzye and Randy are having a yard sale in OLY (and a clothing exchange?!) so I have been going through all my clothes (I think I tried on everything I own yesterday!) and decided to get rid of a lot of stuff. I was doing all of this while waiting to find out if I’d be going into work at some point. I got pretty offended when I finally did call in, and my manager told me, with a tone that made it seem as though I was bothering her, to call in at 6 (I called @ 5:30) so as much as I know this sucks, I hung up and called again in a half hour. Mind you that this whole time I could be out on the beach right down the street playing volleyball in the hot (90 degrees!) sun and drinking ice cold Coronas’[ with lime] not flipping worrying about being clean and dressed in case they do say to come in. GRR. So when I called back even more annoyed sounding on the other end of the line she barked “you can have the night of thanks!” and hung up. I had tears in my eyes I was so pissed off. I feel bad I even vented to Kale about it for a while this morning instead of telling him sweet, cheerful things. It’s Thursday, they are usually busy, but we’ll see. I hate waiting around. And if I was making a lot of money as it was during the weekdays I would be a little less ruffled about having to refuse making plans because of an off-chance I might have to go to work, but I don’t make enough money to just swallow the stupid idea that I’m essentially on-call all day long. My apartment is SO HOT, like a steam room. We got Sammy Shaved into a lion (we do this when he gets really matted or when it gets hot) right in the nick of time too, I would feel so awful if poor Sam had to bake in the hot sun under a thick matted fur coat in the 100+ degree apartment! Houston’s been under my bed all day, and Jade is at the bottom of her cage (cooler). I am not complaining about the heat, I love this! But I would rather be out in it all day rather than being stuck waiting to call someone who isn’t the least bit appreciative of the complete and utter shittiness of the whole calling-in business.
So I’m still at school. Its air condition in this library, I just did about 2 hours of math. I’m going to post this and then watch some fun things on youtube... This one takes the cake… I am SO STOKED to see New Moon.



I got kind of depressed when I watched the MTV Movie award where Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson won best kiss…they all pretended like they were going to passionately make out on stage for their acceptance speech…then she was like,“SIKE!” what a lame ass!!! When (my other boyfriend) Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams one best kiss in 2008 for their earth shattering kiss in The Notebook they went up there and gave us a show!



Now i understand that that's hard to beat...But COME ON! This(?):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BG3NxI7Oi2Y (embedding was disabled by request...not surprised)


That is all for now. xo

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It's hot.

:)

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Two more weeks to go!

Another week down. Just two more and I’ll be in Hawaii with my family. And then one more week after that and I’ll be wrapping my arms around the one I love. I can make it! I’ve been a puddle of stress lately. But the more I vent the more I realize the obvious; life is what you make it. The majority of the tension lately has been on West 5. It’s been pretty slow lately, narrowing the need for a Host/Barback during the week. So, now, instead of just coming in (and clocking in) at 5:30 on weekdays, I call to see if it’s busy enough for me to come in by 6pm or wait and come in at 7….or not come in at all. Both Wednesday and Thursday it turned out to be the ladder. Which is all fine and good, but waiting around all day to see if I do have to be there or don’t…is a little nerve racking. It was Monica’s 21st birthday on Wednesday –she invited me to BBQ on Ruston way before hitting the bars. I wanted to do this SO BADLY, and usually I have Wednesdays off anyways and would have been there ASAP, but I’m working for Quinn these last two Wednesdays while her and Dean vacation in Salt Lake. Then to miss the BBQ, I had already gotten all gussied up, ready to leave (thinking I would at least go in at seven, if not six) then Toni tells me, “You can just have the night off, it’s slow.” Well this would have been vital information about 6 hours ago. So a whole day wasted. I didn’t get to celebrate one of my closest friends birthdays, didn’t get to BBQ (a favorite thing of mine to do on gorgeous days, as was Wednesday). So all this is pissing me off. And again, here I am, Sun soaked and bushed after biking 10 miles this morning, hiking the whole Admiral hill and rollerblading Alki for four hours in the sun with Mom, to race home to be able to call in to work to see what it’ll be. Gee say’s it’s slow, so I’m going in at 7. so my weekend shifts are even being cut, instead of 4-11 its like 7-9(maybe). Hardly worth all the waiting around just to see if I maybe, kinda need to be at work or not. I’m too under appreciated and thin-skinned to want to stick this out and just basically be on call, not making any money. I would like to be making/saving money. And I would like to have a set time I start and a set time I stop. Is this asking too much? Well I ran into this girl that used to serve mom and I whenever we went into the Bohemian (a tiny restaurant/bar on California ave.) she said they did the same thing to her there (just not enough business) so she quit and applied at Elliots downtown on the waterfront. She told me to drop off my resume asap because they’re hiring like crazy for the summer, and they’re busy and that means great tips. It sounds good, but I’m just going to relax as much as I can, focus on school for this last little bit of time before I’m off to Hawaii and can clear my foggy, city-saturated head and just enjoy my summer. Maybe west 5 will pick back up by the time I get back. We shall see.

I was really frustrated for a couple days not being able to get a hold of Kale. But I finally got to talk to him and I feel much better. I miss him so much I can’t even believe it. I can honestly say I’ve never wanted to be near someone so badly. Time’s scooting along though, and I’m not moping or sad anymore; just eager and impatient. :P haha.

Well I get to go on a picnic with Ashley tomorrow! I wish I had my camera :( Bekah Nick and SuQ and Randy you all should come join!

Off to work. Think happy thoughts.

Loves.

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Memorial Day Weekend

I had a good weekend. I’m happy I don’t have to go to work or school today. I’m trying to be good and do school work. I have a report on the demographics of the Republic of Czech due for extra credit tomorrow and I got that finished really fast. I should spend the rest of the day on math, but the sun is beaming in through every window in the apt beckoning me to come outside.

I got up early on Saturday and bused to the Folk Life Festival. Max met me there later. His car pooped out on him though. I’m not quite sure exactly what happened but it’s really, really broken. He has had the worst luck with cars. I called work to see if they needed me to come in at the regular 4pm time, Quinn said to come in around 5:30 instead. So I bused all the way back, only to be bored out of my skull. No one was there. So I left around 8 and hauled ass to be able to make it back to the Seattle Center to see Flowmotion. I made it just in time and it was a blast! Max and his friend Allen and Allen’s girlfriend Bianca all came too. Then we all went to the Tiger Lounge where there was a Folk life after party going on. I overdid it to say the least but it was fun for a while. Max, Allen and Bianca left in the middle of Flowmotion’s set and I took a cab home at some point…and left my camera and my ego in it. hopefully I'll get those back soon.

Mom and I went back to Folk life yesterday and shopped around and spent a lot of money. I got some cute hippy garb and mom got this really great outfit from Tinctoria (www.tinctoriadesigns.com). We got an amazing meditation pillow from a nice man from Oregon named Chi. We sat in his little tent and talked about kombucha, life, yoga, breathing, parks and everything else. It was really peaceful in his tent and the pillows were so comfy! (www.organicdreampillows.com) I had some of his kombucha tea and he even had a nalgene full of spring water he’d gotten right from Shasta the day before. the whole experience helped my hangover from hell, and almost got me feeling 100%. He explained a secret route back from Medford that I really want to see. ;)

Mom got me a very special gift. I don’t know how to describe it. I would take a picture of it and post it on here but…my camera is m.i.a right now. It’s a leather journal/scrapbook/album that has a Celtic double heart on the cover. She got it so that I will have a place to put all of the amazing love art that Kale makes for me. I’m really excited to start putting everything inside. They are far too special to be folded in an envelope and tucked in a shelf!

So that’s my weekend. I got to talk to my baby a little bit too. Only two more weeks till I have finals week (one week early) and then on the 15th I’m off to sandy beaches and family healing in Hawaii. And then on the 22nd I get to come home and hug my man!! I really need to pull it together! I’ve been really down in the dumps and have very little motivation to do anything but think and yearn. The house is a mess (no surprise there…) I haven’t gone to the gym in a week. And I cant stay concentrated long enough to get any studying done. I have to retake an Environmental science test on Wednesday and I have 2 chapters to review for that. Blarg. The 15th can't get here soon enough!

I’m going to force mom to go roller blade on Alki with me today.

p.s. I miss Kale, I can’t talk to him nearly as much as when he was in AK. I just feel so out of touch with him. I wont complain anymore than that. Everytime I whine about missing him out loud, mom says, “well at least you have some body to miss…” She’s right, I’m very lucky to have someone so amazing, somewhere, who might be missing me even a fraction of as much. I don’t know if she’s trying to make me feel better, or trying to make me feel sorry that she’s lonely.

Have a great week everyone!

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What we got will turn your brain into sh*t!

It's 11:26 on Tuesday.

I just had the most amazing three days.

I just Said goodbye to Kale and his parents. I fell in love. And want to shout out so many thank yous to Mark and Sue for letting me tag along. Thank you so much for welcoming me to soak as much time as possible before your son went off to Europe. It means allot to me and I can't thank you enough (I am also eating cheese cake and listening to all the new Elton songs on my ipod..thank you Sue!!)

Now I have to shake the poo outa my head, get my feet back on the ground and get back to business at hand. I have gone through such a whirlwind of emotions (mostly just gooey, earth shattering love) that I am a little air headed lately. I'll explain and go into more detail later. But for now I have to go manifest some fast-track study, straight A Student behavior. I have to go to work tonight... ugh. As you can plainly see my head is still in fairy-tale-land and it's hard to function; I feel very indecisive.

Three days of missing classes isn't good - but I'm going to kick ass and make time go by faster by burying myself in textbooks and school notes. soon I'll be in Hawaii and loosing track of time and not long after THAT I'll be back in the loving arms of my gorgeous man!
OK Sydney pull yourself together!!

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Ma

Mom,
You never read my blog. I don’t think you even know how to find it on this World Wide Web. But even though, it is mother’s day.
Sometimes, when I sit back and reflect on my life, I wonder how things would be if you and dad never got divorced. Or what it would be like if the joint custody thing worked and you’d never moved to Arizona. I also reflect on the hundreds of varying versions of stories I’ve heard about why you left in the first place. Completely fled the state. Giving up all motherly responsibility after the divorce. I was all of a year old ( I think) when you left. I remember the ripe aroma of drama in the house when you would call (a week late) to wish Max or I happy birthday or merry Christmas or whatever holiday. We would be so happy and I think it hurt Tina’s feelings that we loved you so much even though you totally ditched and never called or came to visit. There are so many wholes in my childhood where I have no idea who to believe. I have no idea why you and dad even dated, let alone eloped, not to mention fornicated and, ahem had BABIES… only to immediately split. As frustrated and confused as I am I’m also extremely grateful. I couldn’t have asked for a better set of genes to be passed so there must have been some cosmic energy surrounding the whole thing. You and dad HATE each other with a passion that sweats and pukes over anyone who has to hear or see it. So I guess with this I’m trying to say thank you for making me. I love life. I love being able to grow and learn and breathe and experience things and see the beauty of this incredible life.
And this being said I also wonder if how you feel about our separation during my wee years. What it feels like for you to have left us, max and I (your little tiny babies!) for so long to be raised by some other woman. And even more I think about how bad you must feel after learning how this woman treated us. I have a lot of feeling and emotions on this that I don’t exactly know what to do with. But I love you mom. I feel a deep soul connection with you, where sometimes it seems that you aren’t my mother. It’s hard for me to believe you even have had children, which trips me out, but that’s how I feel.
You get it though. You get a lot of things that I do not. I am still very young and I am one to respect and admire elders no matter how sane they may seem (no offence if you ever catch wind of this post) You never talk much about the deep shit, you keep that to yourself, but you are doing a great job at putting me back together. Paying my tuition, sleeping on the couch, so that I can sleep in a bed, putting up with my mood swings and buying me bananas and feeding me and staying positive even though we are living in a one bedroom apartment that’s falling apart. You’re doing your own thing, how you want to. Sometimes I don’t understand but that’s how it goes I suppose. I respect your choices and admire your ambition and am very grateful you believe in me so much as to pay (out the ass per quarter) for me to get an AA transfer degree at a ghetto Community College so I can possibly go to a 4-year college and be able to do amazing things. I know for a fact that no one believes in me quite as much as you do. You never have anything bad to say -normally you just contradict any negativity and turn it into a glass-half-full scenario. I love you. That’s all I want to say really. Thanks for beleiving in me.

Thanks for my big brother too. I wouldn't want to be here without him. You done good.

so much is rushing through me but i have to stop here so I can call my babe. I'm distracted just thinking about it and I am completely worthless.

Happy mothers day moms.

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