Take a deep breath.

Yesterday’s mucky muck was revamped tenfold just in the nick of time. Just as I was about to lose all hope for reviving of any sort of tolerable mood before going to work Kale saved the day! It’s so refreshing to know I have such amazing people in my life who build me up when everything else seems to be breaking me down. Suzye even called me after work and I got to vent to her and Randy about the callous task of shaking off sticky situations and cleaning up infuriating messes. She in turn got to vent about her latest stalker incident, (so not right girl, I’m so sorry –start leaving the house in a different disguise every day!) Our venting turned into amplified excitement and sheer joy for life, love and our Sunday reunions. We revelated the idea that red wine is the ultimate study buddy (and you know you haven’t had enough until your mouth is engulfed in various shades of purple!)
The bar was so busy last night! It reminded me of my first day working when the West Seattle Street Fair was in full swing on a Saturday and there was no less than a 10 party long wait list for five hours straight! I was continuously thanking my lucky stars for the last minute intervention/pep- talk from Mr. Perfect because the shift would have been hell for all parties involved, I dare not even imagine! Instead of emanating a bitter attitude I had the happy love buzz mind-set that didn’t even break its stride when a pint glass shattered in my hand in the ‘coldie fridge’. Best believe I had a smile on my face as Nacario (one of the line cooks) helped put bandages on my bloody fingers!

I tried to peal my eyes apart long enough to poop out an acceptable paper that was due at 8am this morning. Most of it I wrote at school yesterday and was pretty satisfied with the shape it was taking. I was so exhausted, starving and had no red wine to help me take on the fiasco with an open mind (or open eyes). I will fix it and draft it over the next few days so I can be ready to trade in when my instructor returns it to me with red question marks and exclamation points all over it and little notes in the margin saying, “it’s obvious you pulled this conclusion out of your ass, it makes no sense, where did the unicorns come from?!” haha. Oh well. One thing I didn’t get done is my rewrite of my thesis… but that is an assignment I refuse to pull out of my ass. So ill finish that before work beckons today and E-mail it to him with an explanation along the lines of “silly me I forgot this on my printer before I left for school this morning, here it is have a great weekend!”
So tomorrow morning I’m helping my brother out driving his car back to his place from the shop. We have to do it early so I can be back in West Seattle by 1:45pm to work at Camilles for her while she goes to work at the mission, and then Mom has to come take over for me for the last hour because Camille’s closes at 5 and I have to be to work (a block away) at 4.

I’m excited to be working weekends because I get to see even more crazy people out on the town on their weekends getting wasted and partying. People say the damndest things, I’m going to start quoting people and writing Memoirs of a Hostess at West 5. I can see myself coming to superlative insight on social/psychological behaviors, and having epiphanic revelations to inspire writings and ideas that will make me famous.



Well in other(bizarre) news:
I was reading the morning news and stopped on this headline: Prison inmate attempts to amputate his penis…..eek!
TTFN

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Yuck

I feel sorry for anybody who comes in contact with me today, for I am NOT radiating anything good or positive. Maybe in the slightest but I have a foul attitude emanating from me and no matter what I do I can’t crawl out of this ditch that is my state of mind today.

After getting (barely) two hours of sleep, I missed my bus –missed my first class. Not only do I have my Finalized thesis due tomorrow for my final winter quarter assignment for ENG102 I also Have a five page Argument analysis due on Garrett Hardin’s “Lifeboat Ethics” essay. When I had my student-Teacher meeting about the thesis and outline I decided on a couple of weeks ago, he proved my topic and idea’s to be far too vague to be able to argue in a persuasive proposal paper {on an innovative idea to help the economic crisis}. He redirected my focus from a broad jab at answering bits of each economic hitch going on to one simple one “Recycling incentive”. I now have to throw away my 70+ hr research and writing on the old outline and thesis development and switch to an entirely new perspective; meaning 70+ hrs of research jammed into about an hour or so to be able to turn in tomorrow. I have to work at 5 today, and possibly not sleep a wink tonight writing my paper(s) –following my rally, I’ll be working Friday at 4 and then Saturday from 2 to 4 at Camille’s and then from 4 to midnight at the bar. Sunday I’m going to strip naked and run to the shore of Alki Beach and offer my mortal soul to the gods and elements. (or just jump off the pier and paddle back to shore, body-numb)

madness:
Why I could have just NOT answered the call is beyond me. That’s what happens when a call wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I answer it without even opening my eyes, and saying hello. Why he feels the need to call me in the middle of the night to belittle me, trying his damnedest to get any variety of attention is beyond me. And the fact that I’m PMSing, this is the third time he’s called me this WEEK in the middle of the night for bullshit reason, and the detached humor he uses attempting to make me feel wretched doesn’t help me shrug off his nuisance and stupidity. I don’t feel sorry, instead get so pissed I blow a fuse, come completely undone and wreak havoc. At one thirty in the damn morning I’m sitting up in bed screaming into my cell phone at the top of my lungs. I guess I shouldn’t have tip-toed around hurting him too much. I should have just laid it out for him in the beginning.
I guess this IS entirely my fault. But the fact that he is thoughtless enough to think that calling me repeatedly to tell me I did something wrong and that I’m a horrible person and, “what did I ever do to you?” and switching-- (faster than my disorderly, sleepy intellect can follow, having been woke to a battle that crept up and exploded right in my face, I had no time to prepare, I had no ammo nor armor) --from a sad, injured victim –to a horrendous bully trying to break my stride, holding everything he possible can think of over my head.
NOTE: I’m a warrior and if you know me you know I won’t stand for being affronted in any form especially from this person, this long down the line. There are only so many ways you can relay one simple message. You can make it hard, or you can make it really easy. It has been long and drawn out in so many directions that I can’t take it anymore. I anticipated it all to be much less grotesque of an ordeal.

I digress...

When I take two steps back and look at it in its entirety, I AM just severely defensive of myself, of my decision and choice especially when it comes to a life that is my own and a heart that has a mind of ITS own. There are no easy answers for questions of a wrecked accord (let alone a broken heart). I AM sorry it wasn’t all you hoped it would be; I’m sorry you’re hurting and feel that taking jabs at me will help you feel better. As bad as a broken heart feels, being the one to break it isn’t exactly a bed of roses. Distressing me with the despair and misery you feel with these confused, fucked up techniques have only driven me further away deterring me from wanting anything close to a friendship.

I am only human.

My head feels like its being crushed in a vice-grip. I thought getting this out would make me feel better, at least a little bit. But alas… words fail me in my plight to put some method to madness.

Shake it off girl.

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Sasquatch 09' Line-up

On sale Saturday February 28 at 10AM

Music line-up includes Jane's Addiction (feat. all four original members), Kings of Leon, Nine Inch Nails, Ben Harper & Relentless7, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Erykah Badu, The Decemberists, Fleet Foxes, TV On The Radio, Animal Collective, Silversun Pickups, Bon Iver, Santigold, Of Montreal, Explosions In The Sky, Devotchka, Peter Bjorn & John, Gogol Bordello, M. Ward, The Avett Brothers, Doves, Calexico, Grizzly Bear, M83, Girl Talk, The Gaslight Anthem, The Walkmen, Chromeo (dj set), Deadmau5, Mugison, Sun Kil Moon, Airborne Toxic Event, Blitzen Trapper, Shearwater, BLK JKS, The Wrens, Tobacco, Monotonix, King Khan & The Shrines, St. Vincent, Passion Pit, John Vanderslice, Bishop Allen, Blind Pilot, AA Bondy, Black Moth Super Rainbow, The Knux, Ra Ra Riot, The Dodos, Beach House, Arthur & Yu, The Submarines, Owl City, Viva Voce, James Pants, Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band, The Builders & The Butchers, The Dutchess & The Duke, Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, Dent May & His Magnificent Ukelele, Fences, School of Seven Bells, Death Vessel, Horse Feathers, Hockey, Point Juncture, WA, The Pica Beats, Loch Lomond, Vince Mira & more to come.


Comedy line up includes Zach Galifiankas, Demetri Martin, Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great Job, Todd Barry, Jon Benjamin, God's Pottery, People's Republic of Komedy & more.

Ummmm Hello, Explosions in the Sky, Peter Bjorn & John, Gogol Bordello!!!Erykah Badu, Fleet Foxes! Santigold,Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Demetri Martin.. Am I going to have to go to Sasquatch?? Oh please no.

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This and That

I had some wild dreams last night. It’s progress to even be able to say that much. I’m loosing more and more as the seconds pass, but that’s a lot of seconds that have past since opening my eyes. So all I’m left with now are bits and pieces of gorgeous landscapes and friends and family. There was a point that I was in a fight with some one, an actual physical brawl. I was using everything I had (finger nails, elbows, knees) and nothing would work, he pulled out a needle and thread from his pocket ( and from this point my perspective changed from mine to someone watching us) As a bystander I really wanted to do something, as much sense as that makes…but c’mon it’s a dream, I saw the boy with the needle and thread and his stance and new that he was going to sew me!! When he did, the needle went in through my wrist and out through my forearm. I didn’t feel it because I was watching this from afar, but I immediately felt sorry for myself and started helping. I knew that my powers where useless against this boy but as soon and I shoved myself out of the way so that I could take him on. As I did, he seemed powerless and weakened under my hold, and I felt sorry for him and curious as to why he was after me. He didn’t speak my language, so I just held his limp body as he murmured meaningless sentences. I realized that he had thread strung up the length of his arms. I carefully pulled out the thread and he left. And I went and did the same for my arm; I could feel the thread coming out even though I was still in the third person. And that’s all I remember from that dream. I think all this was going on in a gym, very similar to the elementary school I went to (Alki). I had another dream where my hole family was involved, we were on a vacation but something went terribly wrong and I think that we were being held hostage. Ahhh I can see clips of visuals in my memory but nothing that has enough substance to be able to write about in much detail.
I’m always woken up in the middle of a dream by my alarm and I immediately have to open my eyes to turn it off. The weekends when I don’t have to be woken up by an alarm are my only chance! But the past few mornings mom has come barreling in to wake me up with tea and plans for the morning. Haha. I’m going to master dreamland soon enough. I have a book that I’ll start reading, to learn the ancient Indian tricks of controlling your dreams. I’m excited to see how it goes. I do remember a time when I was at Camp White for the summer, I was dreaming in my trailer when I stopped and said to myself (in my dream) “hey I’m dreaming right now, Dad said to try and realize I’m dreaming and if I can look at my palm!” So I looked at my palm and started walking around dreamland with my hand in front of my face. I was on top of a lighthouse high up in the clouds, it was completely silent other than the seagulls and the sound of the ocean. And I was in complete control of every step and movement. I think what happened is I walked right off the lighthouse because I couldn’t see (with my hand in front of my face and with the clouds thick and white all around me). It was the most incredible feeling though. To be able to do anything you want, see anything you want to and have the personal power to direct where you go, who you are with, and what you do. I’ll keep you updated in my expedition to having a dream life. It’s a big deal because starting Tuesday (tomorrow) I’m going to be operating much like a machine.

My new schedule will be like so:

Monday—wake up @ 6am bus leaves @ 7am school starts @ 8am leave school at 2pm (or stay longer to do home work and study) no work on Mondays! So I have Monday evenings to myself
Tuesday—Same, wake up and leave by 7 to be @ school by 8am school it up till 2 bus home by 3 and yoga till 4:30. Shower and leave for the bus by 5:18 work from 5:30 till it’s dead (usually between 10:30-12) come home and crash.
Wednesday—School again (lets just say 7-2) or stay longer and work on studious ventures until 4. No work on Wednesday unless Quinn wants me to take her shift as she’s been fond of doing lately, and I view it both as me doing her a favor and her doing me one. So either yoga with Elise Gulan on ExerciseTV on On Demand, or skate to the gym and do the yoga classes and then sit in the amazing steam room’s and sauna’s.
Thursday—School (7-2) bus home by 3 do whatever I can before 5, leave for the bus at 5:18 work from 5:30 till whenever I get to leave, Bus home and crashhhh.
Friday—School (7-2) (basically the same as Thursday except instead of starting at 5:30 I start at 4pm…) Since I don’t have school on Saturday I might be able to do some socializing Friday’s after work if the opportunity arises! Weehoo!
Saturday—SLEEP IN and work on reiterating my dreams into my dream journal, hopefully being able to control them and fully retain all the amazing events! Do whatever living life I can do until I have to work at 4. Usually for until 11:30 or 12 on Saturday’s then come home and do whatever I feel like doing because I DON’T have shit to do on Sundays!
Sunday--(These are usually going to be mine and Bekahs’ Olympia day trips to see Suzye, Nick and Randy, bus down in the morning and bus back in the evening :) )
Monday, again—school (7-2) homework or whatever I need to do because I don’t have to work Monday’s!! So after spring quarter this will mean that my Actual weekend will be Sunday-Monday.

I am getting Great grades this quarter, and plan to do the same thing next quarter. Fall quarter was pretty funky because I had to get into the swing of school again. So my unofficial online transcript looks horrid… Because I did attempt to go to South Seattle Community College Spring of 06 but ended up getting NC in American Government and a 1.6 in Creative Writing (That astounds me because I only went for half the quarter) I don’t even know what my transcript from Highline looks like, because I went for a half quarter there too, but then got in my car accident and life took an unexpected turn so I most likely have some 0’s and NC’s there too, no bueno. And unfortunately last quarter my silly Math lab instructor gave me 0.0 because he has no communication skills whatsoever. And I got a 2.6 in English 101 last quarter where I was so sure I wouldn’t/couldn’t get lower that a 3.0. Well I’m all geared up and ready to kick ass from now on. Hopefully by the Time I get my transfer all this University nonsense will be blown over so I actually have a chance to get in. I have some idea’s in mind, but Mom’s saying so doesn’t want me to take out one single loan for my entire academic career… we’ll see how that goes. I’m leaning toward photojournalism mostly and also the more I stimulate and exercise my Environmental studies mind I’m leaning more toward a jumbled mix of everything. Haha. I’m excited about the future though. SO EXCITED!

Well there’s you Presidents day ramble from yours truly. I hope everyone’s enjoying the holiday break (if in-fact you do have today off)


Much love!

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Ramble (don't waste your time)

So today is Thursday already. My how fast the time goes! I’m not working at the bar tonight because I agreed to watch little Eric (My friend’s Ashley and Matt’s baby boy). I haven’t babysat him in a pretty long time, so this should be interesting. I’m kind of nervous to tell you the truth. Eep.

News: There’s a movement to get a produce co-operative going in Delridge which is really exciting! I really like West Seattle and a food Co-op would be icing on the cake! The only co-ops around as of now (that I’m aware of) are in Bellingham or farther north or south than what is painless to get to via bus. We do have a PCC and Metropolitan Market here in West Seattle, on the same street that I live on. We also have the Sunday farmers market too but the produce is limited and I always have to end up paying out the freaking ass to buy fresh produce from the Markets. SO –I am really rooting for this to come through!

Also, Tony’s Produce stand just opened in South Seattle, it takes 2 buses to get there but I’m pretty excited that it’s open again and they have really low prices (ooh how stimulating). It’s also open 7 days a week so I don’t have to wait (and sometimes miss) the Sunday farmers market. Rock on!

Exciting Stranger Valentine issue came out yesteday! There are so many good ones in there! I put in some personal love notes to my 3 main squeezes in. <3 (There’s a valentine in there for SNUGGIES Suzye!) ah haha!

This is officially my last weekend of not having to work. I mean it this time. My new schedule starts Tuesday the 16th and I will officially be full time and start getting MONEY FINALLY! I also get benefits, hell yes! I called the W2 hotline and requested my WSPTA w2 that never came :( the nice lady said that it would take 10 – 15 days to get to me… Is there a deadline to fill out your tax return docs?? I usually use turbotax.

I’ve been doing yoga everyday with Comcast Exercise TV. My hips are very sore (but I’m thinking that could also be from last weekend’s drunken debacle). I’ve been blasting all the awesome music on my new ipod everywhere I go, and doc it to my ihome whenever I’m not out and about. Randy gave me a bunch of awesome music from his itunes and organized the confused content and took out music I wouldn’t ever listen to. My favorite band that he shared with me so far is, “Explosions in the Sky” I’ve been listening to it every night.

Story Time:
I bused to Tacoma to visit Dan last night and got severely turned around on the buses, and ended up getting on the 592 to Lakewood instead of the 594 to Tacoma so I was on the bus for a good three hours before I got to 10th and Commerce in Tacoma, and then When I did I ran after the 1 bus that would take me up 6th ave to Dan’s place and he just started pulling away when I reached the bus doors, but to my relief there was a red light so I peered through the window and asked to board and he shook his stupid finger at me!!!! So I had to wait in the stinkiest spot for a half hour while I waited for the other bus to roll by, and I ran into Sean Salsbury (it seems that whenever I’m in Tacoma I run into him) he was with two girls (ten and fourteen year olds) and he had just gotten released from jail for getting arrested for an outstanding warrant for an MIP that he never took care of. So they where smoking a very large blunt and I was pretty uncomfortable with pretty much everything around me. The fourteen year old solicited a passerby to buy her booze from the slutty little corner market, I tucked myself in a corner and pretended to talk to someone on my phone. The bus ended up being around 10 minutes later than it was scheduled, in that time a white van stopped in the middle of the road, a man got out, left the van running and started walking straight toward me.. I tried my hardest not to make I contact and over exaggerate the depth of my fake phone conversation but he stopped right in front of me and I couldn’t NOT look up at him, there was nothing I could do at these point (short of running away). Standing in front of me was a GIGANTIC black man wearing a tattered Chicago Bulls sweatshirt and bright blue prison pants. He had his dirty hand stretched toward mine at in my pocket and (here comes the pickup line scenario of the year)

Hi I’m Mike and I noticed you standing here and I had to take a
chance. What’s your name?

Sydney.

Do you have room for a friend in your life Sydney? I don’t usually
dress like this, I’m workin’ right now so…

Not really Mike, I’m flattered --but I have a boyfriend sorry.

Nothing serious, just take this and call me whenever you get lonely.

(Hands me his personal roof cleaning card)

I noticed the three-car-one-bus pile up his van was causing. So I bid a due. And fled the scene -- the bus was the 1 I was waiting for. So I’m finally on the right bus, it’s now about 7:30 and I realize I’m only going to have about 2 hours (if that) to converse with Dan about the meaning of life and why humans suck so bad and what possible ways there are to overcome the ecologic crisis and solve the plundering epidemic and so on and so forth. So I get there... And Dan and I are having an awesomely stimulating conversation (Dan knows a lot of cool tricks of the hippie underground trade) I was learning and we were passionately debating! --and all of a sudden Joseph was at the door. What the hell? What did I do to karmatically deserve this series of unfortunate events? When I was waiting for the right bus to pick me up and the Lakewood transit center to take me back to Tacoma I had let this man use my phone to call his ride, and I counseled him on what bus he should take to get him where he needed to be! That constitutes as good Karma, right?! And I reflected hard on that because whenever anyone approaches me on the street asking to use my phone I usually say no, because a while ago my friend Andrew got asked the same request and when he handed it over the person took off! So there we are --the uncomfortable air so thick with tension I could barely breathe. After his insulting remarks last weekend, we left off on a pretty sour note and I could have gone a while without having to face him. Ugh. So I left. I thought it best to get a move on a little early anyway so I would be sure to make it home while buses still ran for a few more hours, just in case I got on the wrong bus, fell into the Bermuda Triangle or got abducted by a man in a white unmarked van. I made it downtown just in the nick of time to catch the very last Seattle-bound bus (yes!) but by the time we made it to downtown I had barely missed the west Seattle-bound bus and would now have to wait 33 minutes for the next one. I had to pee SO badly I was jogging up and down the street snapping my fingers texting Bekah and trying to hum a song I didn’t know. I’m sure people thought I was cracked out of my mind and I was seriously, truly worried that I would piss myself. I scoped out a little cubby hole in which I could crouch in and pee, possibly without being seen, but by the time I actually got up the courage someone sat down 5 ft away from it.. So I squeezed my legs together and doodled love messages on the bus stop with my new paint markers and finally the bus pulled up. I had one more bus to catch when I got over the West Seattle Bridge I had to hold it even longer. When I finally got off the bus by my apartment I flew up the three flights of stairs in about 4 glides. The door was jammed with a towel (mom likes to do that to keep the cold air from coming in) I almost started leaking but she came to my rescue, pulling the towel from the door just in the knick of time and I dropped all my things and peed the longest pee in history. THE END!


(haha)

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What a Weekend!

Oh good morning world. It’s sunny and bright outside, and a thin sparkly, white layer everywhere(yes more friggin SNOW). I Had a great weekend (all things considered). Suzye got axed from her job setting up stage for Avenged Sevenfold at Rhino so Bekah and I went with her and Randy to Portland for Nessa’s birthday party. We hung out with James Ho for a little while and ate some food and pre-partied a bit before heading to Nessas house. It was a great crowd and great music! I had fun for a bit, and I’ll just leave it at that. Suzye took some funny pictures and i took a crap load of videos that i think Bekahs going to edit to make extraordinary! …and last night Bekah found some more surprise pics of the birthday party on Myspace so I’ll post some of the less disgraceful ones a little later. I miss having a camera SO bad! So after the party we all went back to James'. Naomi Came over in the morning with a gigantic box of veggies she got for free from the market. We had some star fruits (?) and salad, and Bekah cooked up some eggs and Veggie sausage! We shlazed around watching movies and snoozing all morning and into the afternoon. Yoav came by to say hi, it was nice to see him! We had to go back to Nessa’s before we headed back to Olympia to pick up my life that I left there (my shoes and sweater/coat) …you might be wondering how I managed to leave my freaking shoes… but that’s all right.

Today I’m going bowling with everyone from work. The bar is closed today so we can all go celebrate our 6th anniversary, and bid Karen-Ann farewell, she’s moving to Jackson Hole next week to be with her boyfriend next week. And I guess welcome me onboard for the full time family. I think of last weekend as my last taste of chaos celebration...I enjoyed it, embraced it. Now I’m going to embrace sleeping and homework on all my free time, when I’m not at school or at work (which will be hardly any time at all). I’m happy nonetheless. I’m so lucky I got this job in the first place, and even more lucky to have been promoted to full time when I need it most! I hope I do well and don’t get worn out or broken spirited. I think I can, I think I can!



Happy Monday everybody.

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resident mockery --give us an hour for magic.

I feel like walking on water. I know if I do I’ll surely get wet and quite possibly freeze, let alone sink and not really be able to walk at all. So maybe what I feel like doing is walking out on a long pier over the sound. But I want to be closer than that. I would be content walking out on the rocks at Rocky Beach way out and breathe in the air and not be afraid to care, but that can only be done at high noon when the tide is out far enough to see the rocks.

I know

I want to be in the heat of a summer night in a river tucked into some trees like Pilchuck creek or the inlet at Post Falls in the Spokane River. I want to float on my back and look up at a clear night sky, making out constellations and wish on shooting stars and mourn the falling ones.
I want to be warm and relaxed. No burden of stress aching my brain or straining my serenity.
I want to soak in magic waters that heal worries and drown fears and tribulations. Surrounded only by the natural soft trickle of my limbs stirring underwater, warm breezes sifting secrets through the leaves and branches.
I want to focus only on my breath and separate me from myself.
I want to shed uncertainty like the skin of a reptile and assert reality in my true self.
I want to be born right here in the water, wake up to life in this enlightened state, and contour my young, eggshell mind around only innocence and beauty.
I walk each step one foot in front of the other out of my magic bath; testing the bounds of reality and questioning the trees and the flowers. Asking the fresh air how it can smell so good, complimenting the brilliant shade of green grass in the field.
I let the magic water roll and drip off and evaporate leaving me standing naked in a new consciousness, awakened and untainted. The wind will cry its warnings and kiss my neck like mothers kiss their children off on the first day of school. The moonlight will wrap me in its bright radiance and shine a light to guide me ‘home’.

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