Yuck

I feel sorry for anybody who comes in contact with me today, for I am NOT radiating anything good or positive. Maybe in the slightest but I have a foul attitude emanating from me and no matter what I do I can’t crawl out of this ditch that is my state of mind today.

After getting (barely) two hours of sleep, I missed my bus –missed my first class. Not only do I have my Finalized thesis due tomorrow for my final winter quarter assignment for ENG102 I also Have a five page Argument analysis due on Garrett Hardin’s “Lifeboat Ethics” essay. When I had my student-Teacher meeting about the thesis and outline I decided on a couple of weeks ago, he proved my topic and idea’s to be far too vague to be able to argue in a persuasive proposal paper {on an innovative idea to help the economic crisis}. He redirected my focus from a broad jab at answering bits of each economic hitch going on to one simple one “Recycling incentive”. I now have to throw away my 70+ hr research and writing on the old outline and thesis development and switch to an entirely new perspective; meaning 70+ hrs of research jammed into about an hour or so to be able to turn in tomorrow. I have to work at 5 today, and possibly not sleep a wink tonight writing my paper(s) –following my rally, I’ll be working Friday at 4 and then Saturday from 2 to 4 at Camille’s and then from 4 to midnight at the bar. Sunday I’m going to strip naked and run to the shore of Alki Beach and offer my mortal soul to the gods and elements. (or just jump off the pier and paddle back to shore, body-numb)

madness:
Why I could have just NOT answered the call is beyond me. That’s what happens when a call wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I answer it without even opening my eyes, and saying hello. Why he feels the need to call me in the middle of the night to belittle me, trying his damnedest to get any variety of attention is beyond me. And the fact that I’m PMSing, this is the third time he’s called me this WEEK in the middle of the night for bullshit reason, and the detached humor he uses attempting to make me feel wretched doesn’t help me shrug off his nuisance and stupidity. I don’t feel sorry, instead get so pissed I blow a fuse, come completely undone and wreak havoc. At one thirty in the damn morning I’m sitting up in bed screaming into my cell phone at the top of my lungs. I guess I shouldn’t have tip-toed around hurting him too much. I should have just laid it out for him in the beginning.
I guess this IS entirely my fault. But the fact that he is thoughtless enough to think that calling me repeatedly to tell me I did something wrong and that I’m a horrible person and, “what did I ever do to you?” and switching-- (faster than my disorderly, sleepy intellect can follow, having been woke to a battle that crept up and exploded right in my face, I had no time to prepare, I had no ammo nor armor) --from a sad, injured victim –to a horrendous bully trying to break my stride, holding everything he possible can think of over my head.
NOTE: I’m a warrior and if you know me you know I won’t stand for being affronted in any form especially from this person, this long down the line. There are only so many ways you can relay one simple message. You can make it hard, or you can make it really easy. It has been long and drawn out in so many directions that I can’t take it anymore. I anticipated it all to be much less grotesque of an ordeal.

I digress...

When I take two steps back and look at it in its entirety, I AM just severely defensive of myself, of my decision and choice especially when it comes to a life that is my own and a heart that has a mind of ITS own. There are no easy answers for questions of a wrecked accord (let alone a broken heart). I AM sorry it wasn’t all you hoped it would be; I’m sorry you’re hurting and feel that taking jabs at me will help you feel better. As bad as a broken heart feels, being the one to break it isn’t exactly a bed of roses. Distressing me with the despair and misery you feel with these confused, fucked up techniques have only driven me further away deterring me from wanting anything close to a friendship.

I am only human.

My head feels like its being crushed in a vice-grip. I thought getting this out would make me feel better, at least a little bit. But alas… words fail me in my plight to put some method to madness.

Shake it off girl.

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