Home sick.

The man Burns tomorrow night and from the photos I've seen so far, Burning man is as gorgeous as ever. I can't help but think what everyone is up to over there in BRC. Running around in the Poppy Field that, by night, turning into a flock of UFO's.

Oh how i wish I was there instead of here. What an alternate universe, the ultimate get away. I have to be at work in about an hour, and while I'm waiting tables, refilling water glasses and busing tables, I will be completely absent minded due to bubbling thoughts of the life-changing experiences happening right this moment. I'm thrilled to say that I 100% plan on being on the playa this time next year, I just needed to take this year off to save up my money, and dive face first into school again. I feel so optimistic about my near and distant future. Evry breath I breathe is elevating me today. Possibly because of reading the Burner's Blogs. Possibly, too, feeling the complete and utter chaos of the energy in BRC. I can't wait to go next year, Documenting with glorious photos of my own to share. Well Here I go off to work now.
OH!! And thanks to Grama I got up the courage to take care of my Drivers licence bull crap, So I now have SR22 Insurance and only have to pay it for 1 more year.. then I'm off Scott-free. So now all I need is a vehicle to get me from here to there. I miss my poopsies. I love my grandma so much. She seems to be doing great. (on her 25Th day after her bone marrow transplant. She's staying very close to me, and my brother, at the Seattle cancer care alliance! I miss her so, but sadly haven't been able to visit.)

wish me luck.

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Ahh, (sigh of refief). I just got home from work. I walked all the way from admiral and avalon to sw seattle and california ave. in the rain AND wearing my comfy pants adn slippers. (comfy pants are very baggy, thus now very wet). I have to work again tomorrow morning.then dog sitting this weekend for Sandie. Her dogs are very old, and one of them (Darby) is so old she can hardly walk, it's so sad to watch her wabble around. I have to carry her back legs up the stairs (cuz they don't work well at all) and last time i dog sat for Sandie, Darby peed on my leg while helping her up the stairs. I will miss bumper shoot :( between working at Luna and West 5 and sitting doggies, I will definately be a zombie. BUT! the good thing is that this all means I have money coming in my direction, and it's about friggin time, I forgot what it's like to have money saved up, I've been livin off poket lint for quite a while. So my stress is getting better.. I'm not feeling too bad about Jo anymore. But I DO miss suzye and Naomi and Lindsey. Lindsey is gunna be leaving soon.. and I never got to say goodbye! :(
I just watched the last episode of Season 3 of CSI now this means that I am depressed because when Im not working, I like to read and watch CSI. now I can only read until i get the next season. :( I need breaks, I cant read for a long period of time because i space out and will have read an entire chapter only to realize i have no idea what happened!

Well, I'm off to edit some photography. I tooke some good ones this weekend.

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I just want to sleep in. But:

• The litter box wreaks to highH.
• The sun is so blight it might as well be in my living room.
• my legs itch
• the couch is uncomfy.
• headache (the too much wine kind, no bueno)
• I have the gut-ache guilty feeling (for reasons I'm too ashamed to say right now)
• I have to go to the bank before it closes so i can pay my cellphone bill (blast!)
• In the midst of typing this..I happened to hit my knee very hard on the compdesk.

I think that's it. I just mad PB toast but now i don't want it. I want to watch CSI but like i said up there.. it's SO fucking bright in here. I made plans to go spend time with Joseph in Tacoma today, cause the plans to go camping fell through.. I was pretty drunk last night and I fought with him about him wanting to get a hotel room. (WTF!!?) I know breaking up with some one it tough, but I don't want to confuse him, or myself. At this point I'm being hurt just as bad as him if not worse due to the fact that i haven't stopped talking to him. I think my next step will be to do that. As for today... I want to go to the bank @ 9. Then get snacks. Not go to Tacoma to guilt myself (poorme) down any further. enjoy not being at work. for one day. CSI!!!!!!!! I need season 456789.. all of them.

I am in a serious funk ladies and gentlemen.

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I hate decisions. Well, I hate them lately. So I'm just not going to make any, and totally meditate on being happy and content with just ME. It's a good excersise, and it's going good.. im savin up some money, I worked a double yesterday.. oh man. My body feels simillar to how i felt in highschool after weight-lifting class. And you know what? My little camping trip fell through (because the coupe joseph and i where going with broke up..odd). So I just don't think that camping trip was meant to go down. SO.. I work another double today!! Luna Park is okay.. but is nothing compared to working at West 5. Luna pays less, to do more annoying work..with less cool people & customers. West 5 is super fun, LOVE the people I work with AND customers, easy work, and no one tells me what to do, they simply ast me. I hate working with people who have power trips. What I want to do, is try to get as many hours @ West 5 as I possibly can, Then fill in the blanks with working Luna Park, get trained on some serving, that way when february rolls around(ill be 21) and I'll be able to train Bartending and serve and pour alcohol! woohoo. so Like i said, not making any decisions yet. And Joseph tried to talk me out of breaking up with him, But i know it will just postpone it. I am doing what Sydney wants, and needs. It's hard to be selfless all the time. So i had a dream last night that i went into this.. college type place, the layout looked familiar, like I'd been there before. The receptionist was my friend from the WSPTA Tiffy, and I told her I was trying to get a strawberry milk, and i asked her to borrow like 5 bucks, she atold me that that wouldnt be enough adn she handed me like 60 dollars, and i told her I would pay her back. I went and my drink wasd already made, i like mixed the milk adn the strawberry syrup myself in the front room, then put it on this conveyer belt that took it to the kitchen where they rang me up.. It came to like $11.oo and i said fuck that I'll get somethind small to eat instead. They had NOTHING veg-friendly, so I go some cake.. and my total came to $224.45 or something around there! I was like... "WHAT?!" This is all I got, looking down and the cake that I could eat in one bite.. The dude told me that I Made a phone call, and that it was 10 dollars a minute. I started crying and trying to talk the guy out of it.. and i told him i dont have that much money.. so finally I ran out of there gave Tiffy her money on the way out, adn the headed down the road.. i ran into the thickest spiderwebb in the whole world, and there was some bug on it what was chewing the shit out of my leg. I remember I forgot my purse so i went back and grabbed it.. THEN when i came out some one was shooting out the window! I ducked, and when the window finally shattered a big mob of little mexican boys with white sirts on marched in, I admit I was scared, they were all pointing squirtguns at me, and I just wanted to leave.. so i did.. (this is getting too long and im getting sick of typing, and i Have to go to work.. so I'll write more later) kbye

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Breath in the air.

Well, today almost coasted by without even leaving the house. A nice change of pace, but i ended up venturing out into the tourential downpour to get toilet paper and soymilk so that I can whipe my ass and drink a shake in the morning before work. Tomorow I work both jobs, Lunapark from 9 to 5 and then and West 5 from 5:30 to 12:30 or so. This is only the onset of what is to come from now until school starts Sept. 27th. hopefully by then being moved up to server and Luna, and same with W5 to start saving for my get away vehicle. I've loved not having a vehicle (most times) since donating it after my MIC incident 2 Aprils ago now..
In other news: Joseph and I are going on a camping trip from Friday until Sunday. Although we aren't together anymore we decided it would be best to go on the trip anyways. (I hope I wont regret it). Joseph finally got it, after much explaining, and endless conversations about how I just don't feel the same, and instead of having a refreshing bursting positive feeling, I just find myself feeling trapped and stressed out in the relationship. He's done some unagreable things, yes, but nothing I would end it over if I didn't have a big distraction. I do think that i need to be alone for a while, I don't want to try to fill the silence of a lonely night by clinging to some one. I knew when Jo and I collided that it was all wrong, I couldn't shake someone from my head, until I distracted myself from him with Jo. I know what i need to do, unfortunately I had to hurt Joseph, and if I do this right and don't screw up, the hurt will be short and sweet.
That being said, I am going have a hard time sleeping until I am detoxed. I have the strongest urge to call him just so I can have a voice on the other end, loving and adoring me. making me feel special and needed. Now it's time to be satisfied with what only I have. I don't want to have the guilt of using him like that. I think about someone else all the time, I regret starting anything serious with Joseph, because even then I couldn't shake "Mr. Right" from my mind. The scary thing is.. is that Mr. Right doesn't know I feel this way. I don't know whether or not to tell him now.. (intense urges to do so) or keep it to myself. I always say I will just let the chips fall where they may, but i always kind of premeditate where they will land. I want to really trust the chips on this, and if Mr.right knows he wants me, then it's time I shut up for once, and let him find me.
Ahhh I feel so good letting all that out. To bed with me now if i plan to be ALIVE for my day of nonstop work tomorrow.

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dreamspil

My lips are SO dry. . Anyway, I recolected my dreams from monday morning (parts of them), which is something I really havn't been able to do lately. I was being hunted by almost everyone at my school, and i didnt realize it till the end of my dream. Some boy gave me a bent ring, and drew a picture of a heart on his dest, and whisperd, "be careful to this.." pointing to his shitty drawing of a heart. I knew then i misunderstood the meaning of the ring and quickly took it off. I was out in the courtyard when i noticed a plane (a 1 or 2 person plane/very small) heading for the apartments, it took out all the decks, and people where jumping calmly from deck to deck, when the plane pointed right at my hiding spot behind some shrubs and opened fire! there where some other people hiding with me, and when i got the idea that it was me the plain was shooting at I took off, thinking it was out of bullets..I ran into someone's backyard adn hid in thier trailer, and in the shower.. I saw copcar lights and opened the windo and asked the cop if it was safe to come out. the cop said it was.. adn he gave me a list of people that where hurt, Kaitlyns mom (Anne Fernandez) was on the list, and so was Barbara Striesand(sp). I was very...

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Finally

My good intentions of setting up a blog finally payed off. I've been too busy to do much of anything for myself lately. But here we are. It's a gloomy overcast day here in West Seattle. I plan on walking to the library in a little bit so i can get some fresh air. I'm currently living in a single bedroom apartment with my mother and her 2 fluffy stinky cats (and equally stinky litter-boxes). Mom gets headaches all too frequently, and lays in bed most of the time. The energy in here is very draining and unproductive. I've been offered employment at a Cocktail lounge/bar called West 5. I like it there, but i don't have a permanent schedule yet so.. I'm still in the market for another server position to make some cash while I'm in school. Pretty sure I'm not going to meet the fall quarter deadline for SOUTH, so I am making a pact with myself to get a huge list of things done before spring quarter. This list includes some difficult issues such as: *get a lawyer to apply for medical bankruptcy, *some how get a credit check and try to get all the people in the world who are using my SSN to knock it off, *look into school grants and scholarships, *GED, *figure out my SR22 insurance fiasco to try to figure out how one is to get her license back after having it revoked, *find a more permanent place to live (so that I'm not sleeping on a love seat directly in front of two awful cat-boxes). Well the list is still young, I will be adding and subtracting, and updating on my progress. On top of all of this going on, I have to figure out my relationship. I have a great boyfriend, but I feel suffocated and trapped in something that is hindering me from growing as a person. He loves me so much it's stressful on me, to the point where I am showing him the door. After about 4 long days trying to explain myself to Joseph, he has told me he's going to give me my space, and show me that he can be what I need. I have my doubts, but I'm giving it a try - instead of breaking his heart because I'm not ready for all of this. I don't want to be married, and i very much don't want to have issues 4 months deep into a relationship. So I guess this trial period is going to be a eye opener. The more I type, the more I realize that my comfort and happiness is number one, I can't help but feel as though more than half the time, this relationship is just me holding on as to not hurt him. I don't want to be the heart breaker, but I don't want to ignore my inner voice [which is screaming at me that this isn't it]. Growing up is painful, I want to do everything in my power to grow healthily and happily.
to be continued...

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