Ma

Mom,
You never read my blog. I don’t think you even know how to find it on this World Wide Web. But even though, it is mother’s day.
Sometimes, when I sit back and reflect on my life, I wonder how things would be if you and dad never got divorced. Or what it would be like if the joint custody thing worked and you’d never moved to Arizona. I also reflect on the hundreds of varying versions of stories I’ve heard about why you left in the first place. Completely fled the state. Giving up all motherly responsibility after the divorce. I was all of a year old ( I think) when you left. I remember the ripe aroma of drama in the house when you would call (a week late) to wish Max or I happy birthday or merry Christmas or whatever holiday. We would be so happy and I think it hurt Tina’s feelings that we loved you so much even though you totally ditched and never called or came to visit. There are so many wholes in my childhood where I have no idea who to believe. I have no idea why you and dad even dated, let alone eloped, not to mention fornicated and, ahem had BABIES… only to immediately split. As frustrated and confused as I am I’m also extremely grateful. I couldn’t have asked for a better set of genes to be passed so there must have been some cosmic energy surrounding the whole thing. You and dad HATE each other with a passion that sweats and pukes over anyone who has to hear or see it. So I guess with this I’m trying to say thank you for making me. I love life. I love being able to grow and learn and breathe and experience things and see the beauty of this incredible life.
And this being said I also wonder if how you feel about our separation during my wee years. What it feels like for you to have left us, max and I (your little tiny babies!) for so long to be raised by some other woman. And even more I think about how bad you must feel after learning how this woman treated us. I have a lot of feeling and emotions on this that I don’t exactly know what to do with. But I love you mom. I feel a deep soul connection with you, where sometimes it seems that you aren’t my mother. It’s hard for me to believe you even have had children, which trips me out, but that’s how I feel.
You get it though. You get a lot of things that I do not. I am still very young and I am one to respect and admire elders no matter how sane they may seem (no offence if you ever catch wind of this post) You never talk much about the deep shit, you keep that to yourself, but you are doing a great job at putting me back together. Paying my tuition, sleeping on the couch, so that I can sleep in a bed, putting up with my mood swings and buying me bananas and feeding me and staying positive even though we are living in a one bedroom apartment that’s falling apart. You’re doing your own thing, how you want to. Sometimes I don’t understand but that’s how it goes I suppose. I respect your choices and admire your ambition and am very grateful you believe in me so much as to pay (out the ass per quarter) for me to get an AA transfer degree at a ghetto Community College so I can possibly go to a 4-year college and be able to do amazing things. I know for a fact that no one believes in me quite as much as you do. You never have anything bad to say -normally you just contradict any negativity and turn it into a glass-half-full scenario. I love you. That’s all I want to say really. Thanks for beleiving in me.

Thanks for my big brother too. I wouldn't want to be here without him. You done good.

so much is rushing through me but i have to stop here so I can call my babe. I'm distracted just thinking about it and I am completely worthless.

Happy mothers day moms.

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