hmmmm,

Last night vanessa spent the night. It was great to see her! she's been all up and down the west coast roadtripping before she's gotta start school again. Oh how I envy travelers, adventurerers(..?) This summer has been well, I don't want to say dissapointing, but very uneventful. OHmWELL. I will just ahve to work extra hard this year to get on the right track. Or just any track at all. I have been feeling very optomistic and hopeful, excited even, for starting school AS WELL AS working 2 jobs (and at the moment only having my legs, a long board, and a broken bike).

My Grandma sent me a BEAUTIFUL card. In the shape of a butterfly (a pink butterfly)! And arounf the outer edges it has lime green filmtrim. She put a check in there for $250 to help me with my fees to get my license reissued. And for my fees at the Library. I left my Ghost World soundtrack in Portland, and D.J. was supposed to send it to me but it never got here.. so I owed the library 28 bucks. :( I LOVE my grandma. She (i don't know if I've mentioned it yet) Is currently residing at Seattle Cancer Care Alligence. She got diagnosed with lukemia shortly after being hospitalized for passing out for no reason while working (as a house cleaner). I remeber the first time Max and I went in to see her. She had just found out what it was. And she hugged me hard and started crying.. I haven't seen grand,a cry since I was staying in Clevland OH. with her and her (now) ex-husband. He came home after Grandma and I had no clue where he was.. I was all of maybe 11 years old. When we did here him come home, He said hello and I yelled,"where have you BEEN Grandpa!?" no, not in a 'you're hiding something' kind of a way more like a 'wow we didnt hear from you all day and it's real late!' So any was when grandma and I came upstairs with the laundry Grandpa was sitting at the table.. he scolded me for asking him where he'd been and told me it was none of my damn business. Grandma tried to step in and tell him not to get after me about it.. that it's really what the two of us where wondering. He then started yelling at her (not obvious at all that he is trying to hide something) so grandma whipered for me to go to my room. It didn't do any good because I heard his voice booming through all of the 4 rooms that separated us. This finally quieted down and my door slowly opened, and grandma closed the door behind her. Her face was pink and her eyes were cherry red. She sat on my bed with me tried to say "I'm sorry." But her lips curled and her face scrunched, just like I looke when i cry. I hugged her, not fully undersdtanding then, that that was the day Grandma found out her husband was seeing someone else. anyway.. that's the onyl other time I've seen Grandma cry. But to wrap this all up, she's sounding so great, and hopefully I can get some time to visit her soon. It's been about 30 days since her Bone marrow transplant. She's going to beat Cancer!!! :)

anyways. I'm off to a 10 hour shift a Luna Park. ahhh, I am optomistic. I have a pulled calf muscle from skating Alki stretch the last 2 nights. so this might not be so fun. I am optomistic.

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what is my deal!!?

Dear Diary,
(since I'm literally the ONLY one reading this)
It feels lately as though I have to try REALLY hard to please people. It take a lot out of me, and it's something I've never felt I had to do before. when I'm working at West5 everyone sorta seems angry, so naturally I always want everyone to be smiling, so I put an extra skip in my step, rub peoples backs and even tell jokes (no one ever laughs). Ugh, I'm joust not going to try as hard, and just do my own smiley thing. I just want every one to like me. I always thought this was automatic. Hmm. Well anyway, Monica and I went to Lakewood and some surrounding beaches and took pictures. I got real artsy and last night I was able to upload some good ones onto back2thestars.deviantart.com and I got allot of comments and favourites in the first 2 hours! I'm really excited to start school again, it's been a while. well, I'm at the Library, I have to go mail a couple things to people I love. More on life later.
xo.

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:)

pet/house sitting lately. Darby old and sad to look after. Her back legs hardly work for her at all. I have to carry her up and down the 4 stairs so she can go outside and potty, and then she just stands there and looks up at me with her leaky old doggy eyes as thought to ask me,"why am I here?" She waddles around the front yard peeing and sometimes her limpy legs get peed on. sometimes she pees on me when i pick her up to carry her up the stairs. She's such a sweetheart, but Sandie really should consider Darby's quality of life at this old age. I took some photos of the pets and I'm going to run over to Bartells and make some prints and leave them for Sandy as a gift. She DID stock the fridge with buds for me while she's gone. :)I'm in love with Pierre, Sandie's cat, who is as old as I am, but still very sturdy and full of kitten spunk. I went into the bedroom yesterday after I had just mad the bed, and I noticed a bib lump under the blanket.. IT WAS PIERRE!! he snuggled his cute little self right under the blanky, SO CUTE! Dakota is full of spunk and life too, he is very old as well but not quite up there with Darb's. Dakota protects me while I sleep and runs around with Pierre. He's my buddy, I want to take him for walks, but i feel like taking Darby's buddy out of the house and leaving her behind would stress her out too bad.

In other news, I don't have to work at all until Thursday, so that's neat. What's not neat is that I invited a boy from work over to watch a Bob Saget Comedy Central special with me at Sandie's last night, He brought some weed and beer, and I got tired fast. I was kinda hinting that I was tired and it was my bedtime, But this guy didn't show any interest in leaving. He had that 'look' in his eye. Usually guys wont hit on me because I'm "intimidating" but this guy grabbed me and went right for it.. I dodged him and scooted far away from him on the couch and he was all, "oh c'mon don't resist me." I told him this isn't why I invited him over.. and he started telling me that he wasn't leaving till I kissed him. I told him it wasn't gunna happen, and he started getting feisty and he held my arms down and fucking tried to kiss me! Can you believe that? I couldn't. I grabbed the closest thing to me, happened to be a beer, and I poured it on him. I was pretty waisted and pissed off I don't really remember what happened next.. I opened the front door and went upstairs till I heard him leave. I have never had some one force themselves on me like that before. It sucked. I woke up feeling so dirty and violated (and hungover).

On a lighter note, I got to hang out with my family last night! I never get to do that so it's always amazing when I get to see all my beautiful siblings. we had a huge dinner (I forgot to take home my leftovers :( ) Emilie and I took pictures of ourselves. Then my little niece Kaitlyn and I started playing around with the web cam (she loves to have her picture taken) It turned into a huge crazy photo shoot, My sisters Samantha and Emilie both got in on the action, and so did my big brother Max. It was great fun.. see for yourself!

OH! and lately.. Elvis Presley has my heart. I have been listening to "Suspicious Minds" over and over and over. And at work i spent upwards of 7 bucks playing it on the jukebox.

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Home sick.

The man Burns tomorrow night and from the photos I've seen so far, Burning man is as gorgeous as ever. I can't help but think what everyone is up to over there in BRC. Running around in the Poppy Field that, by night, turning into a flock of UFO's.

Oh how i wish I was there instead of here. What an alternate universe, the ultimate get away. I have to be at work in about an hour, and while I'm waiting tables, refilling water glasses and busing tables, I will be completely absent minded due to bubbling thoughts of the life-changing experiences happening right this moment. I'm thrilled to say that I 100% plan on being on the playa this time next year, I just needed to take this year off to save up my money, and dive face first into school again. I feel so optimistic about my near and distant future. Evry breath I breathe is elevating me today. Possibly because of reading the Burner's Blogs. Possibly, too, feeling the complete and utter chaos of the energy in BRC. I can't wait to go next year, Documenting with glorious photos of my own to share. Well Here I go off to work now.
OH!! And thanks to Grama I got up the courage to take care of my Drivers licence bull crap, So I now have SR22 Insurance and only have to pay it for 1 more year.. then I'm off Scott-free. So now all I need is a vehicle to get me from here to there. I miss my poopsies. I love my grandma so much. She seems to be doing great. (on her 25Th day after her bone marrow transplant. She's staying very close to me, and my brother, at the Seattle cancer care alliance! I miss her so, but sadly haven't been able to visit.)

wish me luck.

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Ahh, (sigh of refief). I just got home from work. I walked all the way from admiral and avalon to sw seattle and california ave. in the rain AND wearing my comfy pants adn slippers. (comfy pants are very baggy, thus now very wet). I have to work again tomorrow morning.then dog sitting this weekend for Sandie. Her dogs are very old, and one of them (Darby) is so old she can hardly walk, it's so sad to watch her wabble around. I have to carry her back legs up the stairs (cuz they don't work well at all) and last time i dog sat for Sandie, Darby peed on my leg while helping her up the stairs. I will miss bumper shoot :( between working at Luna and West 5 and sitting doggies, I will definately be a zombie. BUT! the good thing is that this all means I have money coming in my direction, and it's about friggin time, I forgot what it's like to have money saved up, I've been livin off poket lint for quite a while. So my stress is getting better.. I'm not feeling too bad about Jo anymore. But I DO miss suzye and Naomi and Lindsey. Lindsey is gunna be leaving soon.. and I never got to say goodbye! :(
I just watched the last episode of Season 3 of CSI now this means that I am depressed because when Im not working, I like to read and watch CSI. now I can only read until i get the next season. :( I need breaks, I cant read for a long period of time because i space out and will have read an entire chapter only to realize i have no idea what happened!

Well, I'm off to edit some photography. I tooke some good ones this weekend.

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I just want to sleep in. But:

• The litter box wreaks to highH.
• The sun is so blight it might as well be in my living room.
• my legs itch
• the couch is uncomfy.
• headache (the too much wine kind, no bueno)
• I have the gut-ache guilty feeling (for reasons I'm too ashamed to say right now)
• I have to go to the bank before it closes so i can pay my cellphone bill (blast!)
• In the midst of typing this..I happened to hit my knee very hard on the compdesk.

I think that's it. I just mad PB toast but now i don't want it. I want to watch CSI but like i said up there.. it's SO fucking bright in here. I made plans to go spend time with Joseph in Tacoma today, cause the plans to go camping fell through.. I was pretty drunk last night and I fought with him about him wanting to get a hotel room. (WTF!!?) I know breaking up with some one it tough, but I don't want to confuse him, or myself. At this point I'm being hurt just as bad as him if not worse due to the fact that i haven't stopped talking to him. I think my next step will be to do that. As for today... I want to go to the bank @ 9. Then get snacks. Not go to Tacoma to guilt myself (poorme) down any further. enjoy not being at work. for one day. CSI!!!!!!!! I need season 456789.. all of them.

I am in a serious funk ladies and gentlemen.

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I hate decisions. Well, I hate them lately. So I'm just not going to make any, and totally meditate on being happy and content with just ME. It's a good excersise, and it's going good.. im savin up some money, I worked a double yesterday.. oh man. My body feels simillar to how i felt in highschool after weight-lifting class. And you know what? My little camping trip fell through (because the coupe joseph and i where going with broke up..odd). So I just don't think that camping trip was meant to go down. SO.. I work another double today!! Luna Park is okay.. but is nothing compared to working at West 5. Luna pays less, to do more annoying work..with less cool people & customers. West 5 is super fun, LOVE the people I work with AND customers, easy work, and no one tells me what to do, they simply ast me. I hate working with people who have power trips. What I want to do, is try to get as many hours @ West 5 as I possibly can, Then fill in the blanks with working Luna Park, get trained on some serving, that way when february rolls around(ill be 21) and I'll be able to train Bartending and serve and pour alcohol! woohoo. so Like i said, not making any decisions yet. And Joseph tried to talk me out of breaking up with him, But i know it will just postpone it. I am doing what Sydney wants, and needs. It's hard to be selfless all the time. So i had a dream last night that i went into this.. college type place, the layout looked familiar, like I'd been there before. The receptionist was my friend from the WSPTA Tiffy, and I told her I was trying to get a strawberry milk, and i asked her to borrow like 5 bucks, she atold me that that wouldnt be enough adn she handed me like 60 dollars, and i told her I would pay her back. I went and my drink wasd already made, i like mixed the milk adn the strawberry syrup myself in the front room, then put it on this conveyer belt that took it to the kitchen where they rang me up.. It came to like $11.oo and i said fuck that I'll get somethind small to eat instead. They had NOTHING veg-friendly, so I go some cake.. and my total came to $224.45 or something around there! I was like... "WHAT?!" This is all I got, looking down and the cake that I could eat in one bite.. The dude told me that I Made a phone call, and that it was 10 dollars a minute. I started crying and trying to talk the guy out of it.. and i told him i dont have that much money.. so finally I ran out of there gave Tiffy her money on the way out, adn the headed down the road.. i ran into the thickest spiderwebb in the whole world, and there was some bug on it what was chewing the shit out of my leg. I remember I forgot my purse so i went back and grabbed it.. THEN when i came out some one was shooting out the window! I ducked, and when the window finally shattered a big mob of little mexican boys with white sirts on marched in, I admit I was scared, they were all pointing squirtguns at me, and I just wanted to leave.. so i did.. (this is getting too long and im getting sick of typing, and i Have to go to work.. so I'll write more later) kbye

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