"The best is yet to come"

So I blew up this morning. Completely LOST it on mom. Fault being a: pms and b: a psychological, mind block. c: having no capacity to submit after I’ve lost the battle and d: the leaning tower of dishes in the sink. Just give up and shut up (even though I know she’s wrong and I’m right…mom’s just better at arguing than I am) –I always get so pissed off that I can’t hold up a good argument, I’m just too busy taking everything personally and getting defensive. Then later when I’m cooling off by myself with my face shoved in my tear-soaked pillow I think of understandable intelligible things that I could have said to maybe prove my point a little more maturely and productively. But today I cracked and instead of thinking of things I coulda shoulda woulda’s I just came undone (in as good of a way as possible). After mom said what she had to say and I was too upset to yell back so I threw a banana on the ground and went to Jades room (I don’t like to call it my bedroom). My eyes and lips swollen from blubbering, I cried into my pillow a little while longer, dragging it out by thinking of a bunch of other non-related sad things --since I already started I might as well get a good full cry session in. (therapeutic)

Long story short, I did the dishes! After they’ve been sitting and multiplying by the day in the sink…my frustration and anger every time I look at them and think about how much it bothers me and a light rage severe anger consumes me and the LAST thing I would think of doing is cave in and wave a white flag, especially if she pulls the “I do dishes 8 out of 10 times”. It’s here that I automatically question MY sanity; do I hallucinate cleaning the kitchen every other day? Am I blocking out ever having seen her rinse a dish and put it in the dishwasher? And then I had an epiphany. I can just take solace in knowing, and believing that I’m right. And there’s no sense in trying to fight an impossible war, screaming at the deaf. So instead of stomping off throwing a banana after arguing… deciding to get over-the-top pissed. I will just bow down smile and wave the flag. I came out of my room, smoked a bowl on the porch with the cat, plugged my ipod into moms new sound system she bought yesterday at Radio Shack (along with a new camera to replace mine that broke after New Years…) I blasted Sublime, put some water on the stove to boil and got going… took SO long and I cried and winced the whole time. I poured the boiling water into my tea-steeper and opened the cupboard for a coffee mug. There was only one clean cup and it was shoved in the corner of the top shelf. I pulled it down and put it on the counter and when I was pouring my tea I read the cup and laughed out loud.



Every little thing is gunna be alright. Today surprised me, in a good way.
I understand that this might not make much sense, but that's okay I feel good. Point-of-post being, I grew up a little today and shed some old skin. so that's that.

...breathe out.